| Why again? |
[Oct. 12th, 2009|01:01 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  okay | ] |
I really don't understand why people search for relationships so much. I just don't know why people can't be happy with themselves and realize that in the real world you will always be alone, you will always have to do things alone. As much as dating was fun I just don't want to do it anymore it's such a turn off. I'm happy with myself. Even if my life is shitty and I'm unhappy about the events or the decisions I make at times, I'm happy with myself. I really don't see myself with anyone right now because this is time for me, time to discover myself, my thoughts and my experiences. And as shitty as a day may be it only makes me stronger and I enjoy myself more knowing that I got passed something and that I can do it on my own.
It seems as if people search for relationships because they're afraid of loneliness. That's just ridiculous. If someone happens to come in someone's life who is just amazing to them and they fit together, but they are both equally happy with themselves is how relationships should derive from not from being lonely and thinking you need someone to be happy.
I just don't enjoy dating or meeting anyone, I really don't want to get to know anyone or get close to anyone because I am a very private person and really don't want to open up to anyone or get the time to get to know someone because that takes a couple of years or so to really know who someone is and in the end you may realize it was all a big waste to get to know them when you could've spent time getting to know yourself better. |
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| Go Figure |
[Sep. 22nd, 2009|01:09 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  worried | ] |
| [ | music |
| | SIilversun Pickups | ] |
And I was right... that perfect moment was only for that moment.
My life just loves to give me a few great times with a million shitty times to pay for that one great moment.
aaah well.
Who knows if I'm even meant to have any more perfect amazing moments, not likely I think. |
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| What A Perfect Weekend! |
[Sep. 7th, 2009|07:52 pm] |
No offense to anyone, but I am constantly reminded of how much I hate hanging out with people my age. This weekend I hung out with 30 years olds, with the youngest being 33 and it was so much fun. I always have much more fun with the older friends that I have. They really know how to have more fun and in a mature way. I guess it's because they've been doing this for a while and aren't immature about drinking. There’s no drama going on with them either. People my age are so young and act so immature…
It was a nice weekend to go back to pastimes. Everything was great but it felt as if none of it ever happened last night after sometime and I got extremely sad. But it was nice to go out to Whiskey Joe's to get my mind off of it. Although I've been having a pretty much or somewhat good time in life, I don't think I will have such a perfect time in a while. Because everything was actually perfect.
Today was ok. I woke up super late today and I'm still tired. I guess it's because I haven't gotten any sleep this past week, waking up at 6 AM. It was such a lonely day today until my sister came by. I haven't even seen Crystal today or go to her beach birthday party. She's probably the youngest person I have around here and just today she turned 28 but she's really cool and easy to live with along with her two kids. She drank all my beers and I find that hilarious.
Now it's back to waking up super early after being up all night and surround myself with people my age who I dare not make friends or acquaintances with.
I'm more than happy this weekend happened. |
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| I get drunk in the dark |
[Jul. 30th, 2009|03:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drunk | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Police | ] |
As really sad as it sounds, I have so much fun with myself. And I don't mean in a sexual way because if I read that, that would be the first thing that comes to mind. This is the first night I've drunken? with myself in like a week or so I dont know but Im fucking having fun. I really don't get drunk unless I'm alone. And that makes it a hell of a lot more sad or sadder? Im not sure what the correct grammer is at the time. Im used to being the responsible one and not going overboard (is that right spelling) with others. But when alone I really let loose. I drink if fuck lot more and I think or I really should say that drunkness starts with the mentality and if my mind sets not in the mood to get fucked up I can drink like a fuckin' bitch and not get drunk, but many people don't know how to control it. But im drinkin and im only going to get more fucked up. At least I can say I can have fun with myself. At least I can say that my life doesnt have to include others. That's independence right there. When you can make yourself happy,content and just have fun with no one else. That's self love everyone should attain.
I saw josh today after sometime. He looked even hotter than the last time I saw him. Usually he's hotter with his glasses on but he was really hot without them. Then his shirt off and he was covered in grass and dirt, that is so me. I think I really do have a thing for him. I only get shy around guys I actually like the other guys im extremely blunt around and don't care what I say around them, but those are the guys I attract and fuck. Unfortunately I haven't gone far with Josh. I realized guy I actually have feelings for I take my time because as hot as he fucking is I don't want to fuck just yet. Maybe for the second time in my life if I actually fuck him it will mean something and feel like something as well.... |
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| Uh oh! |
[Jul. 20th, 2009|12:07 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | worried | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Doors | ] |
So my sister kind of caught me smoking weed, but not really.
Well.... She went to Misa and Trent's house warming party and got there way before I did because I was waiting on Jessie than Gracie.. then we bought raspberry liqueur to make our big tity orgies (we couldn’t find strawberry so we decided to go with raspberry). Then we picked up blunts and beer and finally drove the hell out there to this party. Jessie and Gracie got the blunt prepared and we hot boxed my car. I got really fucking high it was purple haze so it got the best of me. Then when we got there my sister was inside the house where it was dark and I didn't even think that my eyes would totally give it away. Everything was fine up until she was outside about to leave and asked, "Why are you eyes so red?" I tried to get out of it and she didn't ask again. But my mom told me this morning that my sister told her that all my friends were gay and she thinks they were doing drugs and that I do them too.
First of all!!!!!!!
- Those gay people were NOT my friends they were all Misa and Trent's weird gay friends and boyfriends.
- Yeah Jessie is a lesbian and I told my sister that when I came in with her because it kind of seemed like she thought I came with that guy, which was actually Jessie. Because if anyone knows her you'd know she dresses like a dude and you gotta get a good look at her to realize she's a chick.
- If those people were doing drugs, which I’m sure a lot were on E, I was not involved nor did I have any contact with those weird ass people when she was there or after she left.
- None of my friends were even there before me! I came with 2, Derek came a little before Doll left, and Victor and Dolan didn't show up until way after she left!
But she didn't ever say anything to me and now I think my mom's suspicious. Weed is really not bad. I think it's stupid to do it for certain reasons, but there are reasons that make it ok. But over it isn't bad! I texted my sister from Oregon freaking out about it. She said our sister caught her once too but she denied. She made me feel a bit better about it. But still it kind of worries me.
Overall though its real cool to chill with Jessie. I've been hanging out with her a lot lately. Like three times just this week. Her new girlfriend Gracie or whatever she is sooo much better than her ex Kelsey. She's so much more down to earth like Jessie and she actually likes going out and hanging out with others when I know that Kelsey didn't from the things Jessie has told me.
It was a cool, eventful week. This is actually the first time even before I went to New J that I'll be drinking alone tonight.. |
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| Keep pushing me away... |
[May. 22nd, 2009|03:23 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  predatory | ] |
And I swear to you you'll push me away forever. See I don't tell you these things but we've had a rough week together and you know I've seen Josh a lot this week, more than usual. And Im thinking it's a sign that you're gonna push me far enough that I'll be gone and that I should be with him. I know we need each other right now, but this isn't official yet. "Dating" doesn't mean you're my boyfriend. It doesn't mean Im not allowed to date other guys and I swear unless you make this up to me, I will take his offer. If he asks me out I WILL go out with him. You just pushed me far enough that Im really hoping I see him tomorrow and Im hoping we hit things off and Im hoping it goes further. Maybe things between you and me will change and Ill go back to forgetting his existence but for a while he will be on my mind.
I just don't understand why you want to keep going at this. I said we should break it off you're the one that wants to be with me, I was ready to call it quits, I just don't get you at all.
You make want to leave, you make me want to not be so faithful in just dating one guy, you make want to look for other guys. I know this is possible of changing and if IF Josh and I don't hit it off, you'll still be all that I want.
But Im not your fucking bitch. |
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| All I want to do is drink, drank, drunk.... |
[May. 5th, 2009|01:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
I haven't been drunk in the longest time! I cant even remember the last time. Hmm let me see if I can remember this. I think it was the night where I havent eaten for over a week and I drank an entire bottle of wine in less than 30 minutes. My mom found that hilarious and said she now realizes that Im a true Singh and can drink just like mt dad. Hell yea! Although that didnt really get me all that drunk, that was in Feburary?? It kinda sucks sometimes having a high tolerance. Beer is not alcochol so that doesnt get me drunk which is what I normally drink. And I guess drinking every night doesnt help lowering my tolerance does it?
I think the tequila will do me good. No salt or lime. Thats how my dad always takes tequila shots. He always licks his arm like there's salt there and is always done after everyone else and looks like he didnt even take anything. And he's always the one to have the most. See I think some people's bodies just arent used to the booze and thats why their bodies become weak from it. But no lie my dad's doctor is amazed because she said she hasnt seen such a healthy body as my dads, including his liver.
I wish I could be that bad ass.
But speaking of booze, beerfest is looking good. We have like six teams competeing now. I was going to be a one man team but then I found some guyanese peeps willing to do it. I wish my sister could come because she really wants to be on my team )=
I havent had tequila in a long time, well, hold on let me think about this one. March maybe? I forgot I had two bottles waiting for me in there. But its nice cause now I can drink it all tonight!
I think I may get tipsy tonight but I dont think drunk, and I think im ok with that. |
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| Even though we talked about it, I still dont know... |
[Apr. 29th, 2009|11:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
I guess it was too brief of a talk. I call it a talk because it wasn't a discussion, it was something you brought up and I responded by saying, "I dont know I just dont know where this is going," with your response being "Yea me either." I'd like to know whats going on with this. I feel like Im stuck in the whole Cody situation again and I really don't want to go through that even though this has been something much more meaningful. But the whole Cody this was a disaster and I dont think any guy is worth that. The thing is is that everything went well today we had a great day together and he knows everything going on with me and I know everything going on with him. At least I think, but Im a little hesistant believing everything because of past experiences with guys and how bady I've been mistreated and lied to. It makes me in a way not want anything with anyone so personal and thats why I dont know where the hell this is going. Im so fucking confused I hate being so skeptical of everything. I wasnt ever like this before it wasnt so hard to trust, and being paranoid about everything. I've just been destroyed by like every guy Ive dated and every guy after that I just blew them off and fucked them over because I didnt care, I didnt care because I was too wrapped up in my own shit that I just had them feel better, but I didnt. This guys help though Im not like that with him, but considering his history I just dont know if I believe him 100% but he knows my history as well. We're both two fucked up people, and maybe that's what brought us together because we've recently been fucked up. I know overall and with the circumstances we both want this to work but Im not sure I see it going further with what it is now and Im afraid we're going to get stuck in this forever where we are whatever the fuck we are now but nothing more. And I want to be ok with that but Im not.
Whatever crapy relationships Ive been in, they've all taught me that trust was the number one factor in making things work. I do trust you but the problem is is that now that I trust you Im afraid I shouldnt! Im afraid you're lying to me!
And you may be telling the truth which means I shouldn't be putting you through this!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MEN! They've really have fucked me up haven't they?? |
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| indulge indulge indulge |
[Apr. 28th, 2009|01:16 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
Thats what I did today like a typical human being. I guess it's because some how my job of caring and playing with animals turned into a sales job which is not me at all. Im good with our clients but thats because im genuine and honest. It makes me depressed that life in the modern world is screwy and all about the wrong things. thats what I do when im depressed shop shop shop. So I just got my $82 bikini from victoria's secret today and i really like it. Its a great color and great in everyway. Then because I kept getting emails that today was the last day with $20 off a $100 purchase at victoria's secret, I bought panties 3/30, a $58 dollar dress and these other panties for 12 bucks. Then because Im an angel rewards customer I had another coupon for 20 bucks so I got 40 bucks off! Its great because I dont have to pay any of it now since I have an angel's card! And I should be getting my tattoo soon, Misa said he knows a guy that will charge me 40 bucks which is good cause our tattoo was 80 and they wanted 100 and the one I want is bigger. Like i always say i get them for me not for coolness. I got my first one because that was the sign of one of the places where tattoos orginated and the one my grandmother had and defines what i believe in in everyway in one little sign, so it means a lot. the place i got it is ok i wanted it on my neck but got it there cause i wanted to surprise my parents with it but then ended up showing them that same night. the place i got it is fine because its not all show offy like people tattoos are currently. This one i want is my name in hindi which is unique cause i dont know many hindus with a hindi name tattooed on them. I gotta get my mom to write it for me again so i can take it to this guy and tell him my idea for it. And the place is i think an exotic place to put it, so hopefully that falls through soon! |
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| Wait.... why haven't I drunken anything tonight?? |
[Mar. 16th, 2009|03:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
Maybe it’s because Im too tired from my awesome spring break. Everyone was right, Portland is my kind of place. It’s such a small town with so much to do, lost in it’s culture of youngness. I drank and smoked every night which I guess means Im no longer not smoking anymore? Well I’ve done it a lot before my trip to. I find it pointless and I think it is disrespectful but when you do it for a cause and respect what it is its alright. I met amazing people, I really need to find older friends, I guess there just isn’t anyone that is mature enough to be a good trustworthy person my age. and all the oldies stick. I guess it’s the generation. I met an awesome kickass hot fucking pilot. And im still trying to picture it in my mind that this crazy drunken hotness flies planes, who evidently gets high every time before he flies. This trip definitely taught me a lot about life, my life, people, the world and men. I had the strangest experience with my sister’s friend’s younger brother. His sister was trying to set us up at the beerfest they threw for me and at first I didn’t get it and when we finally met it was so very obvious where it was potentially leading to, but testing the waters my friend did not interest me what so ever and I made it very clear that his intentions weren’t going to fly by me and we didn’t talk for the rest of the night. Basically the rest of the night was spent dying of laugher from this pilot Dougie and trying to keep him awake and not fall asleep in 40 degrees of weather, which I failed at…. This trip was way too short and Im sad and miss my sister and Paul and Rodeo. Its like a dream now, there were no worries there. I guess I need to be happy it happened, and I am. Im glad I got to rekindle with my sister after a few years and after everything happening with our family. I wouldn’t change this past week for the world, everything was perfect. Now if I can actually get to bed, my mind is still three hours off! |
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| Drinking at home alone, what's new?? |
[Jan. 26th, 2009|01:11 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
Things have definitely gotten better in my life.... But everything is going slow. I think I'm at the point in my life where things don't necessarily suck, but things aren't GREAT! I thought after my birthday things would start becoming amazing, but not so much. Although my birthday was in fact AHHH-MAZZ-INNNG! Starting it with a count down was the best and having my first legal shot at midnight, I don't think it could've started off any better, especially having a blow job shot then right after having a four horse-man shot with many drinks afterwards. My actual birthday was great too spending it with the people I'm closest to and having giantic margaritas and playing drinking games which everyone knows I can't live without! I was actually afraid that my "surprise" birthday party wasn't going to be fun but it was a blast and celebrated with the best people to party it up with! Even, for some odd reason John Paul was able to be there! There was fun in every corner there! With everyone going wild, and many long islands, goldslagger shots, dancing, being licked by everyone, and having great conversations, and just being able to have fun and forget about life! I wish I could go back because the entire weekend was better than planned and better than anyone's 21st could ever be. But I guess I expected life to be consistent in being great for some reason. I feel like there’s no excitement in my life, yes it's ok and not shitty at all compared to last year and I'm not at all complaining, but it would just be nice to have something exciting and concrete happen. Getting a big fat raise was the only part of my birthday concrete. But I am and always will be thankful for the happiness and excitement my 21st birthday had! |
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| Should be sleeping cause work in the AM is gonna SUCK! |
[Dec. 20th, 2008|03:14 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  not tired | ] |
1. Was 2008 a good year for you?
Prob. the WORST! Realizing even strong loving families can break into nothing
2. What was your favorite moment of the year?
ummmm anytime with the Wolverine baby!
3. What was your least favorite moment of the year?
Ugh soooo very many!
4. Where were you when 2008 began?
Shit I can't fucking remember! I think Dolan might have came over my house and we just celebrated it together alone....
5. Who were you with?
I think just Dolan and Wolverine
6. Where will you be when 2008 ends?
No clue, Work??
7. Who will you be with when 2008 ends?
Bunch of D-O-G'S
8. Did you keep your new years resolution of 2008?
To the best I could, well I did but I could have done it better
9. Do you have a new years resolution for 2008?
Not sure yet, it usually comes the day of, I'm not one to think ahead
10. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Yea, little
11. If yes, with who?
My job
12. If yes, do they know?
If it could, the doggie dogs do!
13. Are you still in love with them?
I'm still there
14. You regret it?
Only when Cindy is present
15. Did you breakup with anyone in 2008?
Yes
16. Did you make any new friends in 2008?
Not many
17. Who are your favorite new friends?
The ones I made which is like 2 or 3 sadly, its been a very lonely year for this girl
18. What was your favorite month of 2008?
HAH! I wish, maybe October or Nov
19. Did you travel outside of your country in 2008?
Nopes
20. How many different states did you travel to in 2006?
3, cleaveland, new j ( and i actually had fun this time, not remembering much) and my love CALIE!
21. Did you lose anybody close to you in 2008?
Yea
22. Did you miss anybody in the past year?
I guess
23. What was your favourite movie that you saw in 2008?
Zak and Miri Make a Porno
24. What was your favourite song from 2008?
Dont know!
25. What was your favourite record from 2008?
The record of how many drinks I can have before I get totally smashed!
26. How many concerts did you see in 2008?
None my loser radar totally went up
27. Did you have a favorite concert in 2006?
I wouldve loved the DMB concert if I won those damn tickets on the radio!!
28. Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2008?
Thats like asking me did you pee in 2008??
29. Did you do a lot of drugs in 2008?
No quit in Jan then again in August, then again a few days ago..... haha no i smoked like half a joint a week ago then threw it out hey I didnt have booze! and the last opportunity I had to do drugs like wed. I didnt so see I did stop!
30. How many people did you sleep with in 2008?
One, like I said my loser radar went up.
31. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
Fuck up at work.
33. What was the worst lie someone told you in 2008?
The lie that I came up as to why I wasn't home when my sister came to town, oops did i really just confess to that??
34. Did you treat somebody badly in 2008?
Yes Im a bitch.
35. Did somebody treat you badly in 2008?
Not as bad as I hurt them.
36. How much money did you spend in 2008?
Not a lot didnt have much
37. What was your proudest moment of 2008?
Getting my job
38. What was your most embarrassing moment of 2008?
SUCKING AT MY DAMN JOB! well sometimes I do
39. If you could go back in time to any moment of 2008 and change something, what would it be?
The sneaky thing I did to screw everything all over
40. What are your plans for 2009?
Being a better person overall. |
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| I just don't know how I feel |
[Sep. 29th, 2008|12:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  gloomy | ] |
There are so many mixed emotions going on inside my brain. I'm happy but sad, confused but feel stable, im scared but optimistic. Its so fucking weird. Its all because of all of the events that happened this weekend. Overall it was amazing but its sucks having to end it and go back to reality. It now seems like a dream its really hard for me to believe it was so great. And of course the last incidence doesnt help. Its all I think of, if it was something that happened and passed, then fine I'm over it. But its the present, it applies right now. I have no control over it and Im not nearby to help the situation. I know i keep telling myself that time will tell and that I just have to wait for an end result but its really difficult. I dont know whats going on right now I think I'm going crazy! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 5th, 2008|10:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | lonely | ] |
I feel so empty. I feel like theres nothing to look forward to in life anymore. Isn't that supposed to happen when I'm over the hill. It seems like there are so many people out there that forget about you. Like once you were so close to them and been through so much and its like you hardly even know them anymore from the way they act. Thats what I've experienced with so many friends. They all forget the memories and how great they once were. I feel so alone. I have no one. I haven't ever been close to my family and there are way too many issues going on that I don't need to bring my own problems into the family. My phone got stole and all I thought when it happened was, well it doesn't really matter because I wont be missing any calls, who's gonna call me. And I was right no voicemail or text messages. I really don't have friends. I dont trust anyone enough to be my friend. The only thing I have going for me is my job and school. And its nice to have a better job from what I had, but shouldn't life be more than working and studying? Well it should but I have no choice but to only have those two things. And when I'm doing those things its not as easy to be reminded of how little have because I'm occupied, but today I didn't have work or classes so all day I've been in this room with no phone calls from anyone, just sitting here by myself thinking of what I could do today, and I had nothing. Nothing that could make my soul satisfied. I do have Wolverine and usually I feel better by spending time with him and animals at work but theres so much he can do. I'm so lost because I have no where to go. How am I supposed to find a place to go? |
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| My new philosophy on life |
[Aug. 14th, 2008|02:06 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | confused | ] |
well..not really a philosophy more of just a thought on life. I realized from experience and from seeing many others older and wiser than me live their lives that there is one moment in everyone's life that is perfect, well... not perfect but close to it. Theres one point in life where life creates happiness and wholeness. Some people have a longer period then others, but there is only this one point in life and when it is over it is over. This doesn’t mean that life is never good and goes to shit, it just means that life isn’t as great as it was. Its no longer “ a dream come true” or a “fairy tale” but everyone does have a moment in their life that is like that. After that you must learn how to live without the attachment. I think life take away that greatness because it’s a lesson telling us how we aren’t supposed to live attached to this world. The problem is we don’t all realize this and that is why we are born again and again until we are detached from this material world and entire a whole other world above our comprehension. |
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| My hero defeated |
[Jul. 13th, 2008|10:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | drunk | ] |
This is the worst thing that has happened this year. Being hand cuffed to a mental institution, almost losing my eye site, fucking up surgery at work, being broke to the bone, losing my best friend.... all of that does not add up to how bad this problem is. The thing is its not about me, if it were my own problem I'd say to myself ahh fuck just suck it up you'll be ok. But I can't do that because its not in the hands of me, its not in the hands of anyone I know. Today I sat there seeing my hero, my superman cry. I've never seen him cry Ive never seen him look so hopeless before. But yet, like a hero does, he says hes going to fix it. In time he says. But no one can know for sure. On the other side I see a man who loves his wife dearly and will do anything for her happiness even if it means he must live in misery. I love my wife, he says, I'll do whatever it takes. Anything can work out if you try to make it work. Now thats love.
And me? even though I hate my job, well no i LOVE my job theres no doubt about that. I hate the people, I hate how Im treated by the doctors and juda, and hate the unlogical schedule posted every week, the bullshit taken from the doctors, the fact that I wake up at 5am and take an hour and a half to get there and to get home, the low pay i get for the hard work I do. Because everytime i've tried to leave the jobs stops me. Cause no matter how shitty the people and the benefits or the lack of benefits i should say is, the job is amazing. I love it. and thats what stops me everytime i try to leave. But now the situation that my family is in where everyone is miserable, i must do something Im quiting my job to take care of those three little boys who i care about more than anyone. I cant stop thinking about them. it hurts so bad i must do something i cant sleep and if i do i have nightmares. they need me. i dont care about money yes i hae bills to pay and i will get by but first i must save them from whats happening and what could happen. so im leaving my job for them my mind was made up as soon as i heard the news. this is my responisbility and my contribution to this family. lets just hope my hero can fix this even though hes completely lost in a sea, but what hero isnt at times. |
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| Back to reality |
[Jun. 26th, 2008|10:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  lethargic | ] |
I don't understand why nothing in my life can go right this year. 2008 is extreme hell! Everyone I know pretty much is having a bad year. My year started off bad having the worse birthday. That was hell. Everyone month something bad happened so far.
Jan: Baker acted on mistake, on my fucking birthday!
Feb: Ulcer eye on my first weekend duty and V-day
Mar: Finding boyfriend writing love letters to other girl
April: Broke
May: All friends - GONE!
June: Being ignored and having every week get worse
This is not uncluding all the little things in between as well. One day I'm hopeful after shit happens but then shit happens again and takes it away. Im just confused about life in general I feel like I'm living a nightmare and can't wake up, or that all this time I was dreaming and now Im back to reality.
Vacation is almost over and I'm not ready to go back, I took this vacation to have time for myself and rejuvenate but that didn't happen. |
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| How my job can be a stressful one |
[Feb. 1st, 2008|09:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
It started off great, the first room was a half a dozen three week old Labs. They were the cutest little creatures of the morning. Some of them had just opened their eyes, some of them were taking their time to open their eyes to the world. After that the other excitement was the sweet and well behaved ferret that came in for a dental. He was having trouble with his teeth and couldn’t eat. He was left in treatment until the dental time (12-3) There were two others that had stayed overnight who weren’t doing so well. It was a mini poodle and a cocker spaniel mix named Lobo. The cocker spaniel was having kidney problems. I had to carry him to and from outside to go to the bathroom. well he was suffering and the Dr. Day called his mommy and he was euthanized. We thought that Neapolitan the poodle was going to have the same fate.
The day passed by and 12 ran around the clock, it was time for Issac the Ferret’s dental. The doctors tried to open up his mouth and found a tumor in his mouth. I didn't say for the dental, Kristin handled it, but when I got back from lunch, I found out that they put him down as well.
The first euthanasia I saw for the day was Angel Dust's. She was a beautiful cat at 17 years. Although I'm not cat person, nor am I an emotional person, I felt my eyes water, I was so close to shedding 1 tear. And I was upset thinking about how this innocent doesn't deserve this and how it would be in my position if this has happened to my animals. But most of all I almost cried because she was so scared. She may not have any concept of death, or maybe she does, but the fact of her trying to scurry away was enough. It was enough that she was afraid of what was to come of her even if she didn't know what it was, and in a pinch of a needle, she was gone.
Neapolitan was still struggling in the oxygen tank. He was taken out to rest. I was working on another dog that was getting blood work when we found him dead in his cage. I rushed Dr. Carey out of the room she was in handling a cat and let her know her little patient was gone with his mouth open as if he was trying to catch one last breath.
I've never felt so emotional before, especially in front of a group of people. And this whole day made me realize that these animals are so much fortunate than most. They had a luxurious life when most don't they had the chance to be saved and even if they didn't make it, at least they had the chance. And it hurts me to that there are so many innocents out there begin shot, ran over, killed for materials without getting the chance to be saved.
And as I sit here and cry I wonder if they will ever be saved.
All you people only care about yourselves as humans but never seemed to realize how many other lives there are that don't have a quarter of what we do.
So if you think you are unfortunate, think again. Because you will never be as bad off as the rest in the world. We are only a small portion of the world and we need to wake the fuck up and realize that they should have a chance too. They should have justice they should be important in the world as if not more than us.
Think about it. If you did what I did, would you be urged to save the world? Or at least guilty that you have a chance to be saved? |
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| This Birthday |
[Jan. 24th, 2008|12:23 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | guilty | ] |
I was reading my post from last year and it wasn't anywhere near as good.
it included:
fights
being stood up at a restaurant
confrontation
baker acts
cops
people I hate
bad past times brought up
working (even though I love my job)
There were good things like presents I got but I dont really care for any of them all that much. Not because I don't like them, I like anything I get its just that I don't care for the material things. I got 200 bucks that I don't know how to spend for starters and technology just pisses me off. It tries to be easier but by doing so it just makes everything harder. My birthday wish would to have everything go back to simplier things and I dont mean like the 1920's I mean way the fuck back. But thats never going to happen so my real birthday wish is for this world to be destotyed because that is the only way things will ever be pure again. People are so fucked up instead of living life the way it is intended they live it by whats "in" or "cool" you all are so fucked up!
I didnt even get drunk for my birthday I only had 4 beers! )= |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 25th, 2007|01:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | okay | ] |
1. Was 2007 a good year for you?
Fot the most part yes!
2. What was your favorite moment of the year?
Wolverine coming into my life!
3. What was your least favorite moment of the year?
Feeling like a failure
4. Where were you when 2007 began?
My sister's with a bottle of patron!
5. Who were you with?
The fam, Eric, Patron
6. Where will you be when 2007 ends?
Not sure yet, work perhaps?
7. Who will you be with when 2007 ends?
Myself probably
8. Did you keep your new years resolution of 2007?
Always do.
9. Do you have a new years resolution for 2008?
Not sure yet, it usually comes the day of, I'm not one to think ahead
10. Did you fall in love in 2007?
yup
11. If yes, with who?
Wolverine
12. If yes, do they know?
He better!
13. Are you still in love with them?
Always will be.
14. You regret ii?
Of course not!
15. Did you breakup with anyone in 2007?
Yes
16. Did you make any new friends in 2007?
A few
17. Who are your favorite new friends?
Thomas. Asif. Julie.
18. What was your favorite month of 2007?
Not sure....
19. Did you travel outside of your country in 2007?
Nope
20. How many different states did you travel to in 2007?
just one, Indiana
21. Did you lose anybody close to you in 2007?
Yes....
22. Did you miss anybody in the past year?
You bet!
23. What was your favourite movie that you saw in 2007?
SHOOT EM UP BABY!
24. What was your favourite song from 2007?
HMMM..... 2007 songs suck!
25. What was your favourite record from 2007?
same as above
26. How many concerts did you see in 2007?
1 - Chilli Peppers
27. Did you have a favorite concert in 2007?
The one I went to
28. Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2007?
Fuck yea!
29. Did you do a lot of drugs in 2007?
Fuck yea!
30. How many people did you sleep with in 2007?
ONE, And proud of it
31. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
yes
33. What was the worst lie someone told you in 2007?
I dont think I lied
34. Did you treat somebody badly in 2007?
Yea a little....
35. Did somebody treat you badly in 2007?
Oh yea
36. How much money did you spend in 2007?
Lots
37. What was your proudest moment of 2007?
Getting my job at a vet.
38. What was your most embarrassing moment of 2007?
getting really drunk and peeing my pants, although I don't remember, hearing about it is embarrassing enough.
39. If you could go back in time to any moment of 2007 and change something, what would it be?
hmmm, choosing the right classes and sticking to it
40. What are your plans for 2008?
Doing well at school and work and contributing to the world. |
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